Reunionmania!

Our dear friends at Something Awful have posted another rib-tickler regarding all of the current band reunions heading our way. Funny. A sample is posted below, with the full article found here.

The Police

The best known line-up: Sting, Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers.

Time Apart: A little over two decades, barring a few one-off performances.

Reason for Breakup: Sting wanted to pursue a solo career, and unfortunately for the world, he did. The band never officially "broke up," but I can only assume that each successive easy-listening barf-o-rama from Sting made the prospect of reunion more and more shameful to the other members.Reason for Reuniting: God only knows. It must have taken some kind of miracle, and possibly the aid of heavy machinery, to drag Sting out of his own butthole. Oh, and money.

After all these years, the Police still have the same magic that they had in their prime: none whatsoever. Even before the world knew that Ace Face was actually a hideous new-age tantric jazz hippie, it was perfectly possible to hate him for being the frontman of one of the dullest groups of the 80s. His mom-friendly reggae inflections combined with the band's annoyingly competent musicianship to create five LPs of declawed, phony new wave pabulum for yuppies, critics and girls.

Now that we know that Sting dreams of blue turtles, lies in fields of gold and performs with Yo-Yo Ma at the Olympics, there is not a single reasonable excuse for not hating him. Why should we care that he's rejoining his band and returning to his rock roots? His rock roots sprouted into a majestic oak of crap, the horror of which no musician alive can ever hope to match, unless Dave Matthews gets blasted with radiation and mutates into an atomic superpussy. Fuck the Police.

- Dr. David Thorpe