See You There!*

*Unless you're NOT one of the lucky bastards going to Black Keys / Flaming Lips tonight.

Hey, You Guys!

We're over on G+!

True Facts...

I just wanted to take a moment to share with you bastards some of the animals that I have encountered during my world travels. Hilarity ensues... Seriously these are worth your time. Funny.

In this first video we see how Grand Pubah Eric got his nickname at around 1:52...

I actually saw these fuckers in Komodo...

This next little guy was an inhabitant of the island I visited on my most recent trip to Indonesia. funny video...




this is a good one too...

Shit and Double Shit

If you haven't read his autobiography, do yourself a favor and do so immediately.

Building A Human

More found-footage hilarity from Peter Serafinowicz.

I'll Take Bands That Don't Exist for $1000 Alex...

How Many Sequels Is Too Many?

Anyone up for this nonsense? Expectations at rock bottom after Spiderman 3 and Dark Knight Rises.

Shit

Isn't 4/20 Some Kind of Holiday?

Oh, yeah! Record Store Day! Sadly I spent all my money on weed, so I won't be getting anything. How 'bout ya'll?

Catchy Friday

I think we could all use something positive and inclusive today.
Also how awesome that David Brent is making videos again.

Bombing Suspects

Posted to the FBI's site earlier today. You've probably already seen it, but what the hell.

Attention K-Mart Shoppers...

This is why Jay works at Fed Ex...

What He Said

Note inexplicable bastard running technique: eyes closed, arms in.

Wonderful event, a privilege to have done it. May a resilient Boston rock on.









[Stock photo of Boston-loving Bastard circa 2008]

The First Honest Cable Company

Happy Tax Day, citizens. Anyone else feel like your monthly cable bill should be a write-off?

Face Melting Friday

 I've completely fucking worn this song out over the last few days. Band is Life Coach. Song's called Fireball. I'll be watching the Masters at a titty bar if you need me. Happy Friday, Bastards. Happy. Fucking. Friday.

Great Ebert Story (or is it a Siskel story?)

I've got a mean case of the Friday f.offs.  If you share the affliction and aren't doing something important like healing sick children, then enjoy. 

Odenkirk.

Hey, Jay

Siskel & Ebert Bicker

I saw this years ago and was reminded of it by Eric's post. However you remember Ebert, don't ever think of him as having been cuddly.

Shit?

 Let's let Elvis have the last word.

Shit

"I learned to be a movie critic by reading Mad magazine... Mad's parodies made me aware of the machine inside the skin—of the way a movie might look original on the outside, while inside it was just recycling the same old dumb formulas. I did not read the magazine, I plundered it for clues to the universe."

Be sure to enjoy 50 Harshest Roger Ebert Movie Review Quotes.

I can't quite get his less-than-glowing reviews of Blue Velvet, (especially given that he co-wrote the screenplay for Russ Meyer's Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) and A Clockwork Orange.

But that may be just me -- I tend to like the worst artist about 100 times more than the best critic. Fuck Pitchfork and whatnot.

R.I.P. Mr Ebert. For telling us how bad The Village was:

"To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets."

Dormarion

Feeling Telekinetically Psychokenetic?  New Telekinesis record should help with that.  Sorry, red flexidisc is for vinyl afficianados only.

State Religion: Cock-Blocked!

SECTION 1. The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.
SECTION 2. The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools, or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.

Pretty sure someone in the North Carolina state legislature was paving the way for "Church of Dave" to become the rule of the land. Story here.

Perhaps Dave will enlighten us as to how the above bill was thwarted. Or maybe he should just move to Nashville. We're all progressive & shit.

Friday Friday.

My bracket's busted (thank you Hoosiers), so I'll be doing escalator helicopters all weekend. Cheers!

Shit

Don Payne, writer for the Simpsons, has died. 48 years old. Sigh......

Be The First Bastard On Mars!

I'm joking, not sure anyone here meets the criteria:

"Applicants need to be at least 18 years of age, have a deep sense of purpose, willingness to build and maintain healthy relationships, the capacity for self-reflection and ability to trust. They must be resilient, adaptable, curious, creative and resourceful."

Also you don't get to come back.
Also you have to star in a reality TV show.

Thug Kitchen

Great website. Bon appetit.

A Pilgrimage

I had the day off and decided to go find Chris Bell's grave site. Oddly moving, I must say.

Reviews You Can Use.

Johnny Rotten reviews the Katy Perry movie.  He doesn't hate it as much as you would think.  Yes, I have seen the movie.

*BARF*

The Seventies really were that bad, weren't they?

Go Zags!! and such

With decidedly mediocre years from UT and FSU, I fully expect you bastards on the Gonzaga bandwagon. At least until they get unceremoniously bounced in the second round. Someone tell Dave the Saints aren't playing, he needs to get with his Spokanoid heritage.

Above design a Poobah original, by the way. Let's hope it goes viral and as many as 5-10 people see it.

Now this is an investment I can get behind . . .

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1732077870/the-tapit-cap-the-beer-growlers-best-friend

Rampant Imperial IPA

I am both repulsed and aroused.

Anybody tried this one?

The Conclave

[L-R: Radioactive Man, Rorschach, Ra's Al Ghul, Keyser Söze]

At an undisclosed location, the principals of the Bastard hierarchy ('the Conclave') met for sober intellectual discussion. So be it stated herewith:

(1)The Scrotum Initiative continues to go well.
(2) Suggested theme "A Teetotaler's Wedding" for upcoming Bastard nuptials was shot down in committee.
(3) Traveling piggyback is an effective means of conveyance and implies nothing about one's sexuality.
(4) White trash dive bar provides perfect contrast to iconic Australian noir auteur.
(5) Lurker: next pitcher is on you.

Gifts For The Lapsed Catholic In Your Life

Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye prayer candles!

Eric, get yours here.

Bonus Friday

Catchy Friday

Postal Service Auditions

"I think we both hate bass, so let's just get this over with."

Any Dog Lovers In The House?

This is absolutely adorable.

I'm-a the Pope-a!

Get More: ,

Let's hope the new Pontiff brings some much-needed slapstick to the papacy.

Pope Francis I

Let the talking mule jokes begin. 

(Poobah, I hope you had $20 on Jorge's nose.) 

N-D-T! N-D-T!!

I've been watching lots of Neil deGrasse Tyson on the youtubes.

Google+ Experiment

Hey bastards, I've been playing with Google+ again for the last week or so, and they've really made some noticeable improvements over the last couple of years. I was initially thinking of it as a blog replacement, but maybe G+ could be our blog away from blog. (Quick posts or comments directed only to your Bastards circle, for example.) Just spit balling, but tell me what you think.

One obvious advantage to using it is that it's much easier to post something of interest - especially from a mobile device. Another is that only we could see it.

Thoughts?

Djesus!

Controversial SNL sketch.

Walking Dead, 1995 Style

Yes, some joker with too much time and talent made Walking Dead opening credits, 1995 style.

Ambassador The Worm Will See You Now

"There is nobody at the CIA who can tell you more personally about Kim Jong-un than Dennis Rodman, and that in itself is scary."

- Col. Steve Ganyard USMC (Ret.), Former Deputy Asst Secretary of State

Wasn't this a South Park episode?

I'd Watch This

Push The Sky Away

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds' newest.  Dave, I know you Feel That Pubic hair has no place on LBU, but this is a special occasion.

Myo My!

Myo gesture control. Minority Report is here.

Anyone got suggestions on how to build up my forearm strength?

Oculus Prime

Who's our designated gamer??

Someone please plug into the matrix.

FLFL (First Lady For Life)

Is it wrong that I find the first lady sexy? Wait......secret service in driveway......sorry.....NO!.......AGHGHGHG!

Shark Week? Try Shark MONTH Bitchez!

[actual photo may vary]
Kudos to Matt, whose photography will be featured in an upcoming Shark Angels Calendar.

Matt's only previous calendar work was as "Mr. April" in Sexy Wetsuits 1993. He says he was young and needed the money.

I Understand You're Fond of Music...

Attention: music class now in session! [en Español para los bastardos]

Sky Cake!

One of Godless Comics! Chick tract parodies, written by Patton Oswalt.

Hoping For A Wooden Car...

... but I'll settle for one of these. Computer-controlled machining now allows for the sophisticated construction of a high-performance hollow wooden bicycle frame.

 curly maple, hickory, bamboo...dang! from the Renovo Bikes website:

• Wood absorbs vibration better than steel, aluminum or carbon, producing a uniquely smooth ride. 
• The fatigue life of wood exceeds steel or aluminum, and approaches carbon 
• Wood is not susceptible to crack propagation from dents like the metals, nor is it notch-sensitive or damage-concealing like carbon.  
• Wood is as stiff pound for pound as the metals, even as it’s better at absorbing road vibration. 
• And last but not least, wood is sustainable, recyclable, biodegradable, and has a tiny carbon footprint, while the primary production of steel, aluminum, titanium and carbon fiber are incredibly polluting and unfriendly to our environment.

The Pocket Hose Fits In The Palm Of Your Hand...

...and grows to a GIANT HOSE!!

More Brains

If you're a fan of Return of the Living Dead - and who isn't? - you'll want to watch this documentary that has somehow remained on YouTube an entire month! So get to it quick. And send ... more ... paramedics ...

Pope-ularity Contest

Papal Odds:

Cardinal Peter Turkson (Ghana)   3:1
Cardinal Marc Oullet (Canada)     7:2
Cardinal Tarcisio Bertoni (Italy)   11:2
Cardinal Francis Arinze (Nigeria)  6:1
Cardinal Timothy Dolan (USA)    40:1

Who you got?

Binge Viewing

Binge-viewing, empowered by DVD box sets and Netflix subscriptions, has become such a popular way for Americans to watch TV that it is beginning to influence the ways the stories are told — particularly one-hour dramas — and how they are distributed. Some people, pressured by their peers to watch “Mad Men” or “Game of Thrones,” catch up on previous seasons to see what all the fuss is about before a new season begins. Others plan weekend marathons of classics like “The West Wing” and “The Wire.” On Friday, Netflix will release a drama expressly designed to be consumed in one sitting: “House of Cards,” a political thriller starring Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright. Rather than introducing one episode a week, as distributors have done since the days of black-and-white TVs, all 13 episodes will be streamed at the same time. “Our goal is to shut down a portion of America for a whole day,” the producer Beau Willimon said with a laugh.

Someone lock me in the TV panic room.

Where's The Love For Bass Players?

I always thought that the bass and drums were the foundation of any band. Apparently not...

See This Now

Imagine if Bob Dylan had flopped in the States but somehow managed to become as popular as The Beatles in another country, without his knowledge. And then disappeared into obscurity. From the sometimes-reliable Wikipedia:

Searching for Sugar Man is a 2012 Swedish/British documentary directed by Malik Bendjelloul, detailing the efforts of two Cape Town fans, Stephen 'Sugar' Segerman and Craig Bartholomew Strydom, to find out if the rumored death of American musician Rodriguez was true, and, if not, to discover what had become of him. Rodriguez's music, which never took off in the United States, had become wildly popular in South Africa, but little was known about him there. The film is produced by Simon Chinn and John Battsek.

Official website here.

The rumors are true...

We're getting hitched! Don't know when or where, but Bastard attendance is mandatory, regardless of distance or cost. I'll be registered at Hussey's General Store. 

Happy Groundhog Day from the New Li'l Bastard!

Sigrid Zoe

02/02/13


Baby, baby mama and dirty ol' bastard doing well!

Catchy Friday

Anybody ever heard of The Futureheads? This is from their first album, going back to 2004. Where the hell have I been?

19 MFing Years Ago?!

Vanity Fair has a brief but interesting oral history on the making of Pulp Fiction.

“I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in the movie,” Uma Thurman tells Vanity Fair contributing editor Mark Seal of Pulp Fiction. Thurman explains that it wasn’t just the obscenity, or her character’s drug habit—it was also the rape of her crime-boss husband. “Pretty frightening,” she says. Referring to the boarding-school environment she was coming from, Thurman says, “I was 23, from Massachusetts.” It took a lot of work on Tarantino’s part to convince her. “He wasn’t this revered demigod auteur that he has grown into. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it, because I was worried about the Gimp stuff,” she adds, referring to the leather-clad character who emerges from a cage, set to have his way with the bound-and-gagged Marsellus Wallace. “We had very memorable, long discussions about male rape versus female rape. No one could believe I even hesitated in any way. Neither can I, in hindsight.”

Full article here.

Dylanography

Last year, about 100 lucky Bob Dylan fans in Europe came across a pretty amazing find on record store shelves: a four-CD set titled The 50th Anniversary Collection. The set contains 86 Dylan songs recorded in 1962, including numerous takes of "Mixed Up Confusion," "Sally Gal," "That's All Right, Mama" and "Baby, Please Don't Go." Contrary to appearances, this was no bootleg. It's an official release from Sony and copies are already selling on eBay for upwards of $1,000. "This isn't a scheme to make money," a Sony Music source tells Rolling Stone. "The copyright law in Europe was recently extended from 50 to 70 years for everything recorded in 1963 and beyond. With everything before that, there's a new 'Use It or Lose It' provision. It basically said, 'If you haven't used the recordings in the first 50 years, you aren't going to get any more.'"
Roughly 100 copies of the collection were given to random record stores in France, Germany, Sweden and the United Kingdom. Fans who logged onto Bob Dylan's official website from France or Germany in the final days of 2012 were also allowed to download the collection for 100 Euros.
Recordings by Miles Davis, Frank Sinatra, Chuck Berry and other stars of the 1950s and early 1960s hit the European public domain in recent years. Pressure mounted on lawmakers to change the law as it began to threaten the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and other superstars of the era.

Joe, are you holding?

Apparently "JJ" Stands for "Jar Jar"

JJ Abrams (Felicity, Lost, Star Trek) is set to direct Star Wars VII. Have at it.

THAT Much Closer to the Senior Citizen Discount

Jay! Jay! Jay!

Losing My Religion and I Feel Fine

Join me in being amazed that someone found a way to shift this song into a major scale and how drastically it changes the song's feel. 

TTIF!  (Thank Tarvu It's Friday.)

Catchy Friday

Mm-hmm!

Nerd, please

Portlandia. You're welcome.

Speaking Of Robert Popper ...

In addition to creating a phony religion (Tarvuism), writing books and music, producing a television show (Friday Night Dinner) and a podcast (Robert Popper's Timewaster Podular Cast), Robert Popper makes phone calls as a character named Robin Cooper. Here are a couple.

Aaaaaaaand ...

The Current Lineup

Catholics - 6
Jews - 3

Agnostics/Atheists - 0
Protestants - 0
Zoroastrians - 0
Flying Spaghetti Monsterists - 0
Tarvuists - 0

Opus Dei conspiracy theorists.... go!!!

Hebbo!

You bastards need religion, and it's SO easy to join! All you have to do is say Tarvu's Prayer.

Tarvu tarvooti,
Oboonoo cTooti,
Mimmin O'tibbi noonah,
Mdfitty fitty noonah,
Arvu immentiBarvu,
Tarvu.

(To be said when you wake up, go to bed, and after you have visited the toilet.)

Click here to visit the official internet website for the Tarvuist faith.

Tarvuists believe:

• Tarvu is our Lord God
• There are two universes
• The Tarvunty is the Holy Book
• We should all "be nice"
• Men and women are equal (to each other)
• Tarvu's Prayer should be said every day
• Octopuses are holy creatures
• Everyone has an invisible guardian from Universe A.

Suggested Reading for Bastards at the Beach

"The story, in short," Ellison concluded, "spanned all of time and all of space, with a moral and ethical problem." According to Ellison, the assembled executives, including Roddenberry, listened intently, before Barry Trabulus mentioned that he had been reading Erich von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods, and wondered whether the Mayan civilization might be included. Ellison pointed out that there were no Mayans at the dawn of time, to which Trabulus rejoined that no one would know the difference. "I'm going to know the difference," Ellison exploded. "So Trabulus got very uptight and said he liked Mayans a lot and why didn't I do it if I wanted to write this picture." Ellison said. "So I said, 'I'm a writer. I don't know what the fuck you are!' And I got up and walked out. And that was the end of my association with the Star Trek movie."




Currently enjoying this volume. The chapter on Watchmen is lovely.

Happy Birthday, Now Make Another Film

“I haven’t gotten the big idea,” he told 24 Frames this week. “I’ve got some fragments that are coming, but not the big idea.” The director added, "If I got an idea that I fell in love with, I’d go to work tomorrow. I just haven’t.” Incidentally, it’s the longest dry spell in the career of the “Blue Velvet” director, who previously hadn’t gone more than five years without a feature or major TV series (his recent voice work on “The Cleveland Show” doesn’t count). When this was pointed out, he sort of gave a verbal shrug and said, “It’s what you fall in love with that drives the boat.” Then he added, “I don’t really think about time.” - [from a June 2012 interview]




Happy 67th David Lynch. Here's hoping you give the world ten more films.

Just Make Up Something... Anything...

I don't know if it's all true, but apparently all these lines we unscripted. "Take the cannoli" ?! Are you kidding me?

Smile. Say Cheese.

As the photog in residence here at Los Bastardos Unidos, I try to stay on the cutting edge of artistic photo imaging. I recently stumbled on this photo shoot with Claudia Schiffer, and all I can say is Brilliant!
I plan to use this technique on my next session with Jay...

Bastard in Paradise

So next Thursday I'll be heading to Hawaii (Maui to be exact) for a week of sand and sun. Did I mention that this trip is pretty much paid for by my incredibly generous father and stepmom? And that we'll be seeing a magic show? And whale watching? Have a nice end of January plebes!

Catchy (Possibly Clothed, Hard To Know) Friday

New album with a barely clothed chick on the cover, though. Coming soon.

Sigh....

That about sums it up.

This Might Be a Wiki

You know you're the shit when you have your own wiki.  I enjoy its honesty:

This Day in TMBG:

Events of January 17:

Nothing happened on today's date in TMBG history.

I can relate.

Typical Bastard Blogger Exchange

Eric's on the left, we're on the right.

Want

Seriously, how cool would a set of these pint glasses be?

Sting Ray A Double-Sided Scooby Snack

I'm finally starting to understand the football.

Black Keys + Flaming Lips = Black Lips??

Not really.
But thanks to the resourcefulness of Matt, there will be a Tri-Bastard Summit in May featuring Black Keys / Flaming Lips in concert. Jay and yours truly to attend. Contemplate our awesomeness.

Deforestation: Endangered Species

Medical update: due to the popularity of the Brazilian bikini wax and nether-region depilation, pthirus pubis - the pubic louse - is finding it hard to make a home. More on this endangered species. The Surgeon Bastard has suggested a good back, sack & crack wax for everyone. [Except Jay, who qualifies for conscientious objector status.]

Orson Welles & Dick Cavett

Needed an Orson Welles fix.
As you were.

Shit

Joe will understand.

The Kids Are Alright

Place enjoy the above recital. The 8 -10 year olds perform a nice cover of the heavy metal group Metallica's "Enter Sandman". The best part is seeing this little girl in a white dress totally nail the solo.

On a more negative note, I want to go cry after seeing these kids put my guitar playing skills to shame. I thought I was kicking ass with bar chords... apparently not.

Catchy Naked Friday

Teri Gender Bender (Le Butcherettes) and Adanowsky (aka Adan Jodorowsky) fighting on the streets of Paris, nekkid. Sadly, they are both sufferers of BGS (Blurry Genital Syndrome).

It's Friday. You Know What To Do.

Effective Gout Treatment

One of my favorite Laurel & Hardy shorts, Them Thar Hills.

Whoa

Holy shit, I had this book as a kid. I'm overwhelmed with nostalgia.

Har Har

We're taking the kids to see Brian Regan on Friday. Hope he's still this funny.

How I Spent My 00's, By David Bowie

New Bowie!

The Next Day, produced by Tony Visconti, due out March 12!  Damn, that's a long time!

Words To Live By

Happy Friday, Bastards.

Places I Remember

New collection of 1000 photo Beatle-book from Henry Grossman. Mo info. Only $495.00!

Want.

Higgs Boson Remix

Happy 2013 Bastards! I'm trying to re-fortify the nerd parts of my brain. Figured I'd start with the beginning of everything.