What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Libertarians! always wanted to form your own country? Beckerland? The West Mikies? All you need is a platform and international waters!
Now venture capitalists are getting behind Seasteading and plan to start a sovereign something off the coast of San Francisco. No welfare, loose weapons restrictions and building codes... sign us up, right?

Merry Beckmus?

The latest celebrity couple is Beck + Malkmus, collaborating on the new Jicks album Mirror Traffic. Tour to include Nashville in Rocktober.

Regular Show

See You There (Season 2, Episode 17)

Regular Show is another winner on Cartoon Network. Hilarious.

Not another film about cricket . . .

I'm guessing this one won't have wide circulation over here.

Get a life!

That's A Big ... Gun

Black Dynamite pilot, as promised.  Watch it or don't, I don't care.

Again With The Laughing

Catchy Friday

Blade Runner Sequel

I'm starting to think the quality of a sequel (or prequel) is inversely proportional to the lapse of time since the original.  Star Wars, Godfather 3, Indiana Jones, etc.  Which means this will almost certainly suck a hole in the galaxy. 

But what if it's good.  What if it's really good?  (I can't control my hopes.)

This guy must get so bored

The New Math

+



=

Sissy & The Blisters - Let Her Go by charmfactory

If Joe's Not Gonna Do It ...

Long live the King!

This is How I Feel About Mondays

Play. Rewind. Repeat. Hours of fun at work...

Eww

Salesmanship

Coffee Table of the Gods - $8 (Minneapolis)

Date: 2011-07-21, 1:18AM CDT
Reply to: sale-ppre5-2505248081@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

This coffee table is perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie.
As you can see from the photo, the majestic beauty of this coffee table rivals earthly treasures such as: the color of the sky at sunset, the laughter of a small child, and infidelity.

Qualities of the table:
-Carpeted
-Mirrored
-The muthertrucker spins
-Doesn't have any weird splotches under black lights

Due to the assumed large demand for this table, all inquirers will be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of badass-ity.

The price of the table is firm: $7.83, four cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a framed photo of Betty White.

Location: Minneapolis
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2505248081

Now that we're all considering selling off our shit, I figured we could draw some inspiration from this outstanding craigslist post.

TGIF, Motherscratchers

With the kids heading back to school and the wife finishing up her first grad school class in ten years, this week has been a good old-fashioned bitch. You can bet your ass I'll be tipping back a couple of these this evening. As your attorney, I recommend you do the same.

Prost!

She Walks The Night

Our good friend Matthew Sweet has a new album, Modern Art, coming out on September 27th and will evidently tour for the 20th (!) anniversary of Girlfriend, playing the album in its entirety as so many touring bands seem to be doing these days. I don't see a lot of dates on his site yet, but we'll keep an eye out. Listen to the delicious first single, She Walks The Night, and read more here.

That is all.

Posterity: How You Like Me Now?

                              TREECRAFT, Dandelion B.

Dandelion B. Treecraft died August 4, 2011
Born: April 30, 1949, Fresno, California,

Dam: Nina Isabel Guard, a shy, rural North Carolina girl, graduated from the University of North Carolina at age 18.
Sire: Vernon Willard Whipple, a dangerous-charming Fresno boy who managed to graduate from Fresno High School.

Christened "Daniel Bryan Whipple" at his birth, in Fresno, California, Dan endured 13 mind-numbing years of public schooling in California, Washington, and Florida before enlisting in the US Coast Guard during the Vietnam War. Thereafter, he worked as a carpenter, and a wood tank "cooper" in Fresno. After divorcing Leta, his wife of six years [formerly, his step-mother for 12 years], Dan moved to Spokane in June, 1980, and took up, promptly, with a former babysitter from his grade-school years. This was two weeks after Mt. Saint Helens' historic off-topping.
A short stint with the Spokane City garbage collection squad was followed by a similarly-short hitch, 'cold-canvassing' for one of Spokane's leading predatory roofing and siding contractors. That invaluable vocational experience was followed by six years employment at an industrial transformer manufacturing plant - which failed to lead to tenure, as the company moved its facility to North Carolina to take advantage of a lower-wage environment. In late 1980, Mr. Treecraft joined the Spokane Unitarian Church, whose very active singles group had a surplus of women 10 to 20 years his senior. This was truly a golden era for Dan. He eventually graduated from the Unitarian Church in 1997, with a degree of Critical Thinking. A doldrum period of employment coincided in the late --80s, and included a brief attempt to enter the medical industry as a nurse-aide. This proved, after all, not to be a good fit, as Dan felt compelled to take half of his charges home to provide more adequate personal nurturance, while the remainder, he felt, should be taken out over-night, and shot.
From 1991 until 2009, having found his calling, Dan employed himself as an arborist, changed his legal name, and attempted to make an honest living providing ethical tree care. Anyone who's attempted to make a living - ethically - can attest that it is no small feat. Mr. Treecraft's scorecard, here, looks fairly good - if graded on a --curve'. He was pleased, though, that many of his clients also became enduring friends.
In 1991, while pruning an ancient apple tree for a frugal-but-charming South Hill matron, Dan met his second-wife-to-be. Nearly eight years passed, before she managed to come to Dan's attention again. Jan and Dan were married on the Autumnal Equinox, 2001, a pot luck affair which drew a crowd of well under one thousand.
The next nine years passed in what appeared to be sublime, flawless bliss. Both Treecrafts were generally satisfied to let that appearance prevail. It was a period of considerable inner growth, especially for Jan. For Dan, it was a time of great inner testing. The result was, after all, a passably agreeable relationship for a near-decade. No small feat in this day.
In the Fall of 2008, Dan noticed a mild, chronic sore throat, and some difficulty swallowing. The symptoms persisted, eventually joined by others, until Dan finally agreed to see a doctor in February, 2010. Examination and biopsy revealed a tumor of some advanced development. A course of "no treatment" was decided upon and followed, until such time as the discomfort and dysfunction of his illness directed Dan to thoughtfully and humanely end his tenure. Jan stood by him throughout the eleven-month duration of his winding-down process, walking all the way - to the very edge - with him.
Some fuss has been made of Treecraft's social and political activism. This aspect of his life has been significantly exaggerated, though it's true he took pride in his pivotal role - forcing Alberto Gonzales to resign as head of the United States Justice Department's team of international war criminals. Dan was also exceedingly proud of being ousted from several dozen Spokane City Council meetings, by Council President Joe Shogan.
Besides his wife, Jan, Mr. Treecraft is survived by their dog, Skippy, Cuckoo, the cat, Jan's adult son, Max, Jan's daughter, Molly, and Molly's 4-year-old son, Ezra. Dan also leaves a half-brother, Bill Whipple, seven step-siblings [ too numerous and far-flung to name - Bobby, Jackie, Eddy, Sally, Nancy, Tommy and Susan ], and an unknown number of nieces and nephews. Dan had no children of his own [ if he did, not one of them ever called or wrote ].
Burial will be at Worley Township Cemetery 10:00 a.m., Saturday, August 6, 2011. A caravan of grave-digging friends and well-wishers are expected to provide funereal talent, shovels, sweat, cheer, graveside manners. Eulogizers of quick-witted brevity are welcome to speak. Long-winded droners may be stoned and used as backfill. Bring a picnic lunch to share, and something to sit on. Please consider carpooling. It is hoped this event might inspire and bring together a few good people from across the county.
Those wanting to make memorial gifts are asked to give generously to the Spokane Center For Justice.

(Caught this sublime bit of Northwest quirk in the local rag while home last week.)

So ...

Anybody got any good news? Shit.

The Bastards Salute You

See? It really happened.

Check Me Out

Josh Cooley.

Bastards Assemble! (Memphis Chapter)

With Matt in town for the weekend, it's looking like The Memphis Bastards will be stepping out for a cold beverage this evening. Not sure what we'll be doing (besides the customary Poobah effigy burning), but we'll hopefully have some photos to prove it.

(By the way, that's Matt's hand on top of the pile.)

I Miss Mr. Show

Hail Satan!

Another Bastard-y Birthday!

Our own Bastard Joe turns 78 today! Or something close to that. Happy Birthday Bastard!

I'm Lovin' It

I remember when that only cost 35 cents ...

Live Every Week Like It's Shark Week!

Happy Shark Week, Bastards! Join me in saluting legendary pop culture sharks and shark-ish creatures. Learn more about laser sharks here or from our own four-star sharkmaster, Bastard Matt.







                                       Sharktopus

I NEVER thought I'd say this but.....

I'm tired of looking at fetuses. Stay cool Bastards!

Flaming Lips Album Released Inside a Fetus

I like these guy, but they always seem to out-weird themselves. Their latest album has been released on a USB stick embedded in a gummy fetus. It's also available online, but who wouldn't want a gummy fetus.

Holding Steady, Staying Positive

Craig Finn from the Hold Steady has a fantastic Tumblr. He's been chronicling his time in Austin the past few days, which included this juicy tidbit:

The Hold Steady start writing for record #6 in September. Meanwhile, I’m down in Austin making a record with Mike McCarthy. This one is a solo project.

Needless to say, I'm excited. Really, really excited.

The Flaming C In Lego

Watch as Brick Artist Nathan Sawaya creates a stunning statue of [Conan's alter-ego] The Flaming C right in front of your very eyes!

Friii---day!

Been a long hot summer week. Could use a good weekend about now.

Pistols In Memphis

Of course, we all know the Pistols played in Memphis. Now, you can relive the experience through the magic of File Transfer Protocol! Yours until some bastard deletes it!

Free Burrito Grande for anybody who can decipher the banter.

Black Dynamite, Motherf_cker!

New cartoon on Adult Swim premiering next spring, but we can watch the pilot on adultswim.com on August 8.

Vote Metal

The Awl (whatever that is) has a list of members of congress with totally metal names. Topping the list: Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-NY). I guess John Boehner would've made the list if it was totally porn star names.

A Simple Yet Shocking Fact

God I love these old mental health films. Internet Archive has the whole enchilada here.

October 17

Hope it doesn't suck.

Another Bastard-y Birthday!

I thought we'd celebrate Dr. Matt's birthday by showing the work he did for me earlier this summer! And it was free!

Hissssss

Fernando Sez

Ha ha.

Tone Matrix

Make your own summer theme music HERE by clicking on the squares.

This Looks Good

Let's see: Spielberg, Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis and Daniel Craig, effects by Weta. (This may come as a complete surprise, but I read The Adventures of Tintin in elementary school ...)

Oniony Goodness

FIRED I.T. GUY STICKS PORN INTO CEO'S POWERPOINT PRESENTATION

DRUNK PUPPY BUYING BANNED BY WEST VILLAGE PET STORES

MAN ALLEGEDLY WOUNDED BY TWO 'BOOTY CALL NINJAS'

These are all from Onion-like: a site displaying stories that sound like they were made up by The Onion, but are in fact real.

Defective

Defective Detective by Avner Geller and Stevie Lewis.

Details here.

Children's Art Critic

Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit. F



This one wouldn't be too bad if the color were kept inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but... F



This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random shit onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've pissed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this. F

Enjoy more children's art with unfiltered appraisal here.

Ha Ha

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”

- Tennessee Williams

Big Time Bastardo!

One of us! Gooboo gaboo, gooboo gaboo!

The Inevitable Summer Slowdown

Yay.

So Beautiful Or So What

No need to beg me For This Paul Simon album.

I Want To See This

Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon in The Trip. I learned about it from NPR.

In Coogan's latest film, The Trip, he reunites with Brydon — but this time, the two men play fictionalized versions of themselves going on a restaurant tour of Northern England. Adapted from a BBC Two sitcom, the movie features the two men riffing off each other on a variety of subjects and interacting with various actors playing their relatives and friends.

Golden Books

I've been meaning to post this for awhile, but Josh Cooley, a mighty talented story artist at Pixar, has produced a series of Golden Book parodies based on classic movies for adults such as The Terminator, 2001: A Space Odyssey and Good Fellas. I've collected the ones I could For The Price of a few minutes. Just ask for Cooley ...

Shit

He's Columbo to many, but I'll always think of him in a few choice movie roles: Murder by Death, Wings of Desire and The Princess Bride.  Have any of you seen Wings of Desire?  Some sub-title reading required, but it featured Falk and a young Nick Cave.  More of a film than a movie.

RIP Peter Michael Falk

I'm Back!

From vacation, that is. Here are a couple of photos from Bonaventure Cemetery in Savannah, made famous by 1994's Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. (Click to embiggen.) The book cover's Bird Girl isn't there anymore, by the way. She was donated to Savannah's Telfair Museum of Art to avoid disturbances by visitors to the cemetery.

Bedtime Story From a Bad Motherfucker...

For those of you with kids, I'm sure you've felt this way...

Evacuate?

Stephen Hawking says our long-term future as a species - like, beyond the next 100-200 years - depends on colonizing space. (transcript here). Any of you upstanding bastards have time shares off-planet?

Yes!

I scored a Sleeveface! That would be my kitchen and my lovely wife's modeling expertise on display.

Another Bastard Birthday!

Happy Birthday Bastard Eric!

See You There

Premiered at SXSW in Austin, and opens next week in select cities, which includes Nashville but none of the other bastard burghs. Wi not trei a holiday in Nashville this summer?

In Store at 4000 Holes

Set List:
Welcome to My World
The Girl
This Is Where I Belong (Kinks cover)
The Last to Know
Passenger Side (Wilco cover)
Disconnected
She's After Me
Her Heart's on a String
Blank
How Do You Get to Heaven (from Natchez, MS)
Rebecca (Young Brians)
Josie Can Brag (Young Brians)
Off White Wedding
Motel Darkness
Running the Family (Denzil cover)

Welcome To Jitney Jungle

Hmm, Maybe I Won't See It After All

Avengers Assemble

A promo poster for Marvel's The Avengers was spotted at the Licensing International Expo in Las Vegas. (Whatever the hell that is.) The Avengers comes out next May.

Heaven's Got A New Angel

Seth Putnam, lead singer of Anal Cunt, has died of a heart attack at age 43. He had so much more to give.

Super Gr8.

Super 8 is a fine way to spend your hard-earned entertainment dollar.  At times it feels like a tribute to Spielberg with shades of The Goonies, Jaws, Jurassic Park and ET, which spells good summer fun, with some sappiness, of course.  And Elle Fanning is a helluva good young actress. 

I really like that this was not 3-D, which has become tired and expensive.  After Avatar, the industry should have just said, "well, there you have it." 

What other summer films are on your radar?  (I know we're all about to wet our pants to see HP7b, so skip that one.)

I Know One Bastard Who'll Watch This

A little Gervais from Big Think, one of my favorite websites.

Hmm...

I usually keep up on what all the cool artists are doing. Somehow this one slipped by.

Yikes

On a totally unrelated note, anybody going anywhere this summer?

Actual Pre-Show Bumper For Alamo Drafthouse

Pizza and Zombies

I figure you wanks who can play on YouTube during your workday came across this a long time ago, but I, shackled by a corporate firewall, just discovered it.  I was always a sucker for those Choose Your Own Adventure books, but there was never one with pizza and zombies.  

Ew

That's all I got.

Circuital

You knew I was gonna.

My Morning Jacket has been one of the bands I have most consistently enjoyed over the last 7 or 8 years. They've been severely imitated to the point where most bands' sound would seem diluted (I'm looking at you, Fleet Foxes), but thanks to Jim James sometimes maddening forays into Prince-ish weirdness and sheer talent, they have remained vital and interesting. I cannot recommend their live show enough. Hopefully they will extend their tour into the fall and hit one of the vital Bastardo locations so I can drag one of your sorry asses with me. Of course, Florida Takes Precedence.

Memphis Pop Pilgrimage

I suggested The Arcade Restaurant on the A.V. Club's Pop Pilgrimage website, and they visited! (And if you haven't seen Mystery Train, shame on you.)

Billing itself as “Memphis’ Oldest Café,” The Arcade Restaurant has been at the corner of Memphis’ South Main Street and G.E. Patterson Boulevard since 1919. Just steps away from the train station, the restaurant has seen its surroundings rise, fall, and rise again with the fortunes of the city. Once the bustling heart of Memphis’ downtown, the neighborhood around the Arcade fell into decline in the 1970s and ’80s. By the time Jim Jarmusch arrived to shoot his 1989 film Mystery Train, hard times had overtaken what had become an especially seedy part of town.

Thankyouverymuch.