5ives

I accidentally wrote a check like that once when I was in college ("5ive and no/100s").

Turns out, there's a website called 5ives, consisting of a gigantic list of fives - not unlike Letterman's Top Ten Lists - ranging from the poignant to the hilarious. Anything goes - Five terrible fake Dickens characters, Five amazing Beatles bridges, or Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on. I killed an hour reading these yesterday ...

Here are some of my favorites:

Five more slightly misleading revelations of federally-funded abstinence programs

1. Liberal senators want to award slutty girls free sub for 6th abortion
2. Wearing green on Thursday makes you so totally gay
3. Douche with Dr. Pepper and your baby will have luxurious brown hair
4. When you masturbate on a Sunday, Jesus punches Keith Moon in the mouth
5. Latex condoms make your kooch smell like a pork rind: forever!

Five subject lines from recent spams that would also make good titles for Guided by Voices songs

1. Confucianism: You Should Carry On
2. Topsoil Deals Offsetting
3. Squirehood, What’s Your Wife’s Favorite One?
4. Secular Rockabye Countryman
5. Porpoise, Only You Can Superstition

Five terrible fake congressional honorifics

1. The distinguished cocksmoker from that hellhole, Mississippi
2. The obsequious bootlicker from Virginia
3. The exalted pederast from Kentucky
4. The noisome harpy from California
5. The fat-assed blowhard from that one flyover state

Five terrible fake novelty drink names at that one bar near campus

1. Weepin’ Tyler’s Tangy Grandma Rememberer
2. The Great American Face Slap Factory
3. The Homoerotic Context Erasinator (with salty rim)
4. Cap’n Morgan’s Highe Seas Roofie Hyderr
5. Daddy’s Dreams Desolvin’ Appletini

Visit 5ives.